Breastfeeding Is My Everything

Katie Graham Anderson

Breastfeeding is my apology. It’s my grace. It’s how I fill in the holes. From not enough time, not enough energy, not enough patience.

It’s my, “I’m sorry I yelled so much. I’m sorry I’m gone so much.  I’m sorry I didn’t play more. I’m sorry I couldn’t read more. I’m sorry I wasn’t here more. I’m sorry I’m not…more. But it’s all okay now. Come nurse. Mama loves you.”

It’s my, “I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to have a brother. I know it’s hard to have a sister. I know it’s hard to have stupid rules and stupid clothes and stupid food and to not get what you want. But here. You can have this. Mama’s sorry. Mama loves you.”

It’s my, “I know night time is scary but you’re safe. You come here, come see mama, we snuggle and nurse and it’s all okay now. Mama’s sorry you were scared. Mama loves you.”

Mama’s sorry you fell down. That he took your toy. That you can’t have ice cream. That we have to go to bed. That we have to wake up and go to school. That we have to go home.

It’s my, “I’m here, mama’s here, mama loves you. Mama take good care of you. Mama always here. You always come find mama. Mama always loves you.”

I don’t have to say it in words, because for so long they didn’t know any, because this is just how we say it, how we have always said it. They take both my hands and want to lie down and nurse as soon as I get home.

They come running when they fall or get scared and come nurse for “just a minute” and race off again.

When they wake every night and they stumble blindly back into my room, I try, I TRY to just accept them and not think about the homework or housework or writing I should be doing, and hold them and kiss them and breathe in their little baby smell that they only have for such a short time.

I try because I know they’re accepting my apology. That we’re okay now. That they love me too.

Katie is a mother of three and a birth and postpartum doula. She has over ten years experience as a La Leche League member and lactivist. Her journey in motherhood started with an unplanned pregnancy at nineteen, then experiencing secondary infertility, two miscarriages, and finally the birth of twin boys in 2012. She is currently in nursing school and becoming accredited as an IBCLC. 


About Anne Smith, IBCLC

Anne Smith, IBCLC
As the mother of six wonderful breastfed children, three perfect breastfed grand babies, and an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) with over twenty-five years experience in lactation counseling, I can offer you professional support, as well as information and advice based on my personal experiences over the years.

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  1. Avatar

    I’m so touched to have found and read your story. Breastfeeding is my most idyllic time with my children. It is such and intensely loving time. I have 2 sons. One is 3.5 and the other 2. I am in my first trimester with our 3rd child. I have not returned to work since having our 1s t child. My initial plan was to breast feed for 6 months but when I tried weaning it was a very traumatic, emotional and upsetting time for my son and the only thing that calmed him was breastfeeding. He went from crying, unconsoling fits to as docile and meek as a baby lamb. He wasn’t ready and neither was I. I was and am a stay at home mom so breastfeeding is very feasible. He still breasts feeds every morning, before his naps and upon waking. He breastfeeding after dinner and before nite nite. Whenever he can’t sleep he gettts into our bed and and literally breast feeds all nite never waking and fussing. My two year old also breasts feeds around the same times as my oldest but sleeps through the night. My concern is when our new baby is born it will be very difficult to let him feed all nite with a newborns needs to feed. Anytime I attempt to wean him it turns into him having a major meltdown which comes to an instant halt when I offer him my breast. Any advice on how to handle this? I’m so torn up inside about this dilemma. I feel like an ogre to deny my child feedings. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

  2. Avatar
    Hija Del Altísimo

    Thank you SO VERY MUCH, for sharing your experience. It’s beautiful and encouraging. And I appreciate it…

  3. Avatar

    Hi Anne,
    My baby boy is preterm. He was born on 1st April 2017 @ 27 weeks gestation. Now he need almost 18 – 20 oz of milk per day but I am able to produce only 13 – 15 oz only. I express milk with manual breast pump & I am from India we do not get any lactation cookies here to increase my milk production.
    Kindly help me on how to increase my breast milk production.

    Thanks & Regards

  4. Avatar

    I love this. It’s short, sweet, and beautiful. A lot of important things packed lyrically into a small space. :)

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